Jay and Finn Awesome Blog, Great Job!

ethanology:

genderbitch:

radicalqueery:

Recently, a well-meaning friend of mine disclosed my trans status to a friend of his, someone I hadn’t known previously.  I don’t know that I ever would have found out that he had done so if his friend hadn’t slipped up and referred to me as “she” in front of a group of people.

He quickly corrected himself and moved on with whatever he had been saying, but for me, the damage had been done.

That one little pronoun ripped away my confidence and left me stunned and confused. Although it still happens once in a while, being seen as female has been a rare occurrence for me over the past six months, so I asked myself why this person whom I had just met would confuse me with a woman?  Was it obvious that I was trans?  Was I kidding myself, walking around in the world thinking that I no longer appeared female to most people?

Unsure as to whether the guy had read me as female/trans all on his own or whether someone had told him, I took my friend aside and asked him.  He seemed genuinely confused as to why I would have an issue with his disclosure of my trans status when he has been one of my most thoughtful, supportive friends and he was trying to be helpful.

This situation has me thinking that just because a person might be a relative, friend or ally of the trans community, or even a trans person themselves, that doesn’t mean that they know and understand the possible consequences that could result from disclosing someone’s trans status, so I am offering some information here that I hope will be helpful regarding this topic.

I thought I would start with a page from The Gender Booklet at thegenderbook.com(which I actually found at the transbeautiful blog) because it gives a handy summation of issues to consider when being an ally (or even friend or relative) of people in the trans community.

A number of blog posts could be written about the statements on this simple yet informative document page (and probably already have been by others), but today we’ll just focus on, “Please don’t out me as trans without my permission.”

In listing the reasons behind this statement, I am presenting them in no particular order or priority and I am writing them as though directed toward readers who might not understand why it’s problematic to out people as trans.

When I refer to trans folks in this post, I basically stay within the man/woman binary, but there are trans people who do not identify within the gender binary.  I think that what I have written here would, in principal, still apply, with the exception of some of the references I make to people identifying as men or women.

I should also mention that pretty much everything you’ll read here is my opinion.  Your mileage may vary.

1.  Safety first
In April of 2010, Colle Carpenter, a 27-year-old trans man, was physically assaulted in a men’s room at Cal State University Long Beach, the attacker using a knife to carve the word “it” into his chest.  Two months later, a man attacked trans man Lance Reyna in a Houston Community College men’s room, putting a knife to his throat, then beating and robbing him and giving him a concussion by kicking him in the head.  In April of 2011,Chrissy Lee Polis, a 22-year-old transgender woman, was brutally attacked by two women in a Baltimore-suburb McDonald’s while employees stood by and watched, one of them filming a video of the assault that went viral after being posted on-line.  The attackers beat Chrissy so severely, she went into an epileptic seizure on the floor of the restaurant.

I provide these examples here to highlight the threat of violence that trans people face simply for being themselves, and to illustrate that outing someone as trans compromises their safety. Granted, these are high-profile incidents, but don’t think that these are isolated cases.  Aggressions against trans people occur at various levels of severity on a fairly regular basis.  I know a number of trans men and women who have been harassed and/or physically assaulted by people they had come out to or by people, including complete strangers, who had somehow learned of their trans status.  Trust me on this one;you cannot predict how anyone will react to this information, so it’s best not to disclose it.

2.  It’s private, medical information
Steps that a trans person may take to transition are recognized by the American Medical Association, other health-care organizations, the U.S. Tax Court and by many trans people as medical treatments for the misalignment of their physical sex and gender identity.  Information about a trans person’s status and/or transition should therefore be held in confidence just like any other person’s private medical issues and treatments and should not be disclosed.

3.  Not all trans people are activists and those who are might not want to be all the time
Some trans people don’t mind being in the public eye.  Trans people involved in activism may be fully and publicly out as trans, such as community activists and educators Matt Kailey, Jamison Green,  Kate Bornstein or Donna Rose.  However, not all trans folks want to be involved in activism – they just want to live their lives with a level  of anonymity that’s no different from that of non-trans people – and those who are involved as activists might not wish to wear that hat all the time.  Maybe in the corner of their world where you happen to be, a trans activist might want to be incognito. It’s best to leave it up to the trans person as to when and where they care to disclose their trans status, if they care to do so at all.

4.  Match making or un-making
Let’s say that a non-trans person you know has met your trans friend/relative, finds them attractive and would like to get to know them better.  Your first knee-jerk reaction might be to inform the individual about the trans status of your friend/relative, but please consider why you might be having that reaction.

Perhaps you think that the trans person’s body might not be what the other person expects, but unless you have seen the trans person naked, you do not know what their body looks like, and even if you have, how can you know with certainty that the potential suitor won’t find their body appealing?

Or maybe you decide that you will out your trans friend/relative so you can spare them the negative reaction that you’re sure they’ll receive once they disclose their trans status to the interested party.  That’s your own opinion, however.  In other words, what you might consider to be a deal breaker (i.e. someone’s trans status) might not be an issue for another person.  People are rejected in the dating scene for all sorts of reasons and these two potential love birds might not ever make it past the first date for reasons that have nothing to do with the trans status of one of them.

Ultimately, whether a trans person and a non-trans person are a match for each other should be left for them to discover.  Don’t be a match un-maker by disclosing someone’s trans status.

5.  Admirers, chasers and other people attracted to trans folks
In point number 4 above, I talk about people who might become attracted to a trans person they have just met but are unaware of their trans status.  For the issue I discuss here, I refer to certain people, non-trans men and women, who have a significant attraction to trans people in general.  Sometimes these individuals can be easily spotted vying for the attention of (or maybe even harassing or groping) trans people at transgender conferences or at public community functions, and some of them post ads on Craigslist looking for sexual hook ups and/or dates with trans men and women.

These particular folks might be classified as “chasers” or “admirers.”  While some of them objectify, sexualize and fetishize trans people, some do not.  Personally, I sometimes find it hard to tell the difference.  (Matt Kailey has written a couple of posts about people with trans attractions and the fine line between preference versus fetish, where trans people can be either sexualized or considered sexy.)

And so if someone tells you that they are attracted to trans people and/or would like to meet a trans person for dating and/or sex, the proper response would not be to tell them about any trans people whom you might know personally.  Some trans people don’t want anything to do with a person who has trans attractions, whether that individual happens to be an admirer/chaser or not.  If you feel that you must do anything at all, it’s best to ask the trans person(s) you know whether they would be interested in being introduced to such a person.

6. When trans people don’t look male or female “enough” (to you)
If you know a transitioning trans person, the sex they were assigned at birth might be imprinted in your mind, especially if you’ve known them since an early point in their process or before they started transitioning.  Consequently, you might not have really noticed their slow physical transformation and/or you might think that despite their physical changes, they don’t really look like their true gender.  And so when you introduce the trans person to others, you might think that you have to out them as trans as a way to provide an explanation for their androgynous or gender-variant appearance.  You might think that outing them would be helpful, so people don’t get confused.

However, you’re making an assumption that everyone else sees the trans person the same way that you do and you might be wrong.  You might actually create confusion if  you out the trans person to people who already see the trans person as their true self.

And even if someone is confused about a trans person’s gender, so what?  A person’s confusion should not supersede a trans person’s privacy.  Personally, I can’t imagine an individual suffering harm from their confusion over the appearance of someone else, but outing a trans person can be harmful to them, so let the confused person muddle through. More than likely they’ll manage just fine.

7.  Because being trans is not necessarily who we are
Many trans people simply see themselves as men and women.  Being trans is not who they are – being a man or a woman is who they are.  The trans piece is a medical condition and not a definition of them as a person, so they shouldn’t be identified by it.

8.  Education, enlightenment, diversity training and the “poster child excuse”
Very early in my process a (former) friend of mine outed me to her college-aged children without my permission and then tried to justify it by making me the poster boy for her kids’ diversity training.  Since then, I have been surprised at the number of people who have wanted to do the same after I have come out to them (but at least they asked me first).

So if you have an urge to teach someone about diversity and you want to enlighten and educate them in order to help them be a better citizen and a more accepting human being, and to do it, you are going to tell them all about the trans person you know, stifle that thought.  Unless you have asked the trans person involved whether they would mind being the subject of someone’s education on humanity, it would be best to leave the trans person out of the lesson.

9.  It doesn’t matter that a trans person is out to some people
A trans person you know might seem to be out to a lot of people, and that might lead you topresume that they don’t mind being out as trans, and so that might let you assume that it would be okay to disclose their trans status to someone else, but as with other assumptions, it’s best not to make this one because you might be wrong.

10.  Outing a trans person to another trans person
On the surface, it might seem okay to tell one trans person about another trans person you know, but that would be another assumption that might be incorrect.  Each trans person should be asked whether they wish to be a subject of discussion between you and another trans person or whether they want to be introduced to the other as trans.  Believe it or not, some trans folks don’t even want other trans folks to know that they’re trans.

11.  Outing a trans person sets them up for discrimination
I don’t think that I have to convince anyone reading this blog about the existence of rampant discrimination against trans people in jobs, housing, education, health care, social services, etc.  It stands to reason, then, that outing a trans person can set them up for discrimination.  I can think of several trans men I know who lost their jobs when their trans status was revealed to the wrong people.  Once you release that information, you lose control of it and you can’t track where it goes, which might be to someone who can discriminate against the outed trans person.  Keeping their personal information safe and discreet helps the trans people you know avoid becoming the victims of discrimination.

12.  Outing a trans person can erase who they are in the eyes of others
If you disclose a trans person’s status, you can render them invisible.  It’s like magic.  One minute, the trans person is no different than any other man or woman, then they’re outed and poof, in the minds of some people, they’re immediately transformed into the gender they were assigned as birth, or they may be seen as a non-person or a fake person or someone who’s trying to fool everyone around them.  The trans person’s true self disappears and they become, in the eyes of others, someone who doesn’t even really exist.  Speaking from experience, that feels like crap.  Please don’t put people in that position by outing them as trans.

13.  Disclosing the birth names of trans people
This point is a bit different from the others because it’s about outing one thing about a trans person, but it fits into the topic of disclosure. I have decided to add it here because a number of non-trans people over the past few years have nonchalantly disclosed to me the birth names of other trans people that they know.

What they likely did not realize was that some trans people fiercely guard the name they were given at birth and would consider its disclosure to be embarrassing, hurtful and/or offensive.  For some trans folks, their birth name represents a person who they are not and a period of their life they would like to leave behind them.

All that aside, what is the point of revealing a trans person’s birth name anyway?  A trans person’s real name is the one they have chosen that matches their gender and true self and that’s the only name that people need to know.

Therefore, unless a trans person has specifically and directly asked you to please disperse their birth name about with wild abandon, the polite and respectful thing to do would be to keep it to yourself if you happen to know it.

14.  Whose business is it anyway?
Ultimately, the bottom line is that a person’s trans status is their personal information,their history, their story, their life, and it’s not anyone else’s place to disclose it.

The only instances I can think of when it would be okay to out someone as trans would be if the trans person specifically requested it, say, for example, during their coming out process and they asked a trusted friend or relative to help inform people, or if they were involved in some sort of medical emergency and couldn’t speak for themselves, and for the latter I’d still be hesitant.

And with that, we come to the end of 14 reasons why outing a trans person is not okay.  I hope that this little public service announcement has helped to shed some light on this topic for readers who previously might not have realized these issues.  Some readers might disagree with some of my points or might have points of their own to add. I invite everyone to join the discussion.

Source: http://americantransman.com/2012/04/18/14-reasons-why-its-not-okay-to-out-someone-as-trans-a-public-service-announcement-from-your-friendly-neighborhood-trans-person/

Adding a note (since race seems to be absent in the statement of violence risk about outing a trans person) that outing a trans person of color (especially a trans woman of color) is significantly more likely to end in lethal violence than it does for white trans people (where harassment and less extreme violence is the more likely result).

So important.

whencylonsdream:

Like, even from people that are fucking awesome about everything else.

It never seems to cross peoples minds to be inclusive towards trans women.

It never seems to cross peoples minds to acknowledge trans women.

It never seems to cross peoples minds that without inclusive and acknowledging statements, trans women need to assume that we aren’t wanted.

We NEED to do this because we are tired as fuck of assuming that we are being included.

We are tired of coming into women’s groups and being victimized and abused.

We are tired of going to rape crisis centers and being turned away because our existence is triggering.

We are tired of wanting a safe space and then being told WE are the rapists, the deceivers, the monsters, and the child molesters.

We are tired of being the punchline and the joke. The fetish object and “best of both worlds” so long as we’re gone by morning.

Never mind the fact that many of us are victims of rape.

That many of us have dealt with child abuse.

That many of us have been physically assaulted.

That all of us live and deal with the constant deceptive nature of cis people.

We NEED to assume we aren’t wanted. Because the whole wide world is telling us we’re trash and we can’t be arsed to assume that you actually meant to include us when you said fucking nothing.

We don’t have the fucking luxury to assume that we are being included.

So yeah…

Make it damn clear that you want us around.

Make it clear that you won’t put up with transmisogyny.

Make it clear that you view us as women. That you view us as fucking people.

I’d like to see some fucking solidarity, but I wonder if this will even be reblogged?

And if it is reblogged I wonder how many people that aren’t trans women will do so?

I’m honestly not betting much, so I guess we’ll see.

(via cisscumdying-deactivated2012041)

nonfictionalgender:

In regards to my sexuality (including gender identity because it affected how I viewed my sexuality and also most people include it anyway), these are the things I have known listed from the longest to the shortest (as in the first time this aspect of my sexuality occurred to me as “non-normative”):

1. I am kinky (age 13-14)
2. I am queer (age 14)
3. I am poly (age 14)
4. I am trans (age 16)

These are the things I am out about in order from most out to least out:

1. I am queer (out to almost everybody/on Facebook)
2. I am trans (out to friends/on Facebook)
3. I am poly (out to close friends only)
4. I am kinky (out to fewer close friends)

I feel like, in most of these discussions, the argument against the existence of vanilla privilege is that a kinky person is actually oppressed for other identities than the kinky identity. Based on not really knowing anything academically or sociologically other than my Own Personal Experience, I have found that I am the most likely to be treated the most weirdly for being into kink than any other thing I could be out about.

It is my experience that people I have come out to are more comfortable thinking about me having sex with someone of my same gender, what may or may not be in my pants, and me having (vanilla) sex with multiple people, than thinking about me possibly being tied up or something.

I am normally oblivious to socialization, as far as I can tell, but I feel like one thing I picked up on very young and very quickly is to not tell people I’m kinky.

Justin is way more out about being kinky than I am, so perhaps he can add some useful anecdotes to this.

-Ryan

Umm, so I started writing this and then forgot about it for a while, sorry everyone.  Here are a few of my thoughts about kink.

I’m not actually sure how true it is that I’m more out about being kinky.  If that’s true it’s a very recent and deliberate shift in the ways that I deal with my sexuality (and gender, for that matter).  Now that I’m in a position of relative authority and am potentially a role model I try very hard to be as open and unashamed as possible about my sexual identity, mostly because I wish someone had been there to do that for me when I was eighteen.

I have always known that I was kinky.  There was never a time when it was not obvious that my sexual desires were different from most people’s.  I have also always known that this difference was bad and wrong and that no one could ever know about it.  And I don’t mean wrong in an “I was assigned and raised female and good girls aren’t supposed to like sex” kind of way, I’m talking about something more along the lines of “how on earth could anyone ever possibly want that?”

My experience of being kinky, at least when I was younger, wasn’t only that I shouldn’t tell anyone about it, but that I had to fix it somehow.  I tried for years to just be normal, and I hated myself for failing.  In that way, my relationship with kink has been very similar to my relationship with gender.  In both cases I tried as hard as I possibly could to suppress it and spent years immersed in self loathing as a result.

So I obviously think there is a massive amount of social stigma associated with kink, and I’ve sat uncomfortably in enough rooms full of feminists discussing how disgusting it is and how it’s clearly a matter of being damaged by the patriarchy to know that stigma around kink is prevalent in more progressive circles as well.  But there’s also the institutional aspect, which Ryan didn’t really discuss. 

In Massachusetts, where we live, a person cannot legally consent to be hit.  This means that if we make too much noise and a neighbor calls the police, the following are true:

1. The decision to arrest must be made based on whether probable cause exists that a crime occurred, not on whether the victim wishes to seek complaints or wishes to testify at a future date.
2. Arrest shall be the preferred response whenever officers witness or have probable cause to believe that a person: a.) Has committed a felony; or b.) has committed a misdemeanor involving abuse as defined in M.G.L. c. 209A
3. Abuse can be defined as: attempting to cause or causing physical harm (M.G.L. c. 209A)

So if for some reason the police become involved, the most likely outcome is that one of us spends the night in jail on domestic violence charges.  If something were to go wrong and we needed to go to the hospital, we could very easily be looking at felony assault charges. 

I don’t know hat I have much else I want to say on the subject right now, but maybe I will again in the future.  As I said earlier in this post, the reason I’m willing to be open about being kinky now is the same reason I talk openly about being queer, or about being trans in a way that doesn’t really conform to dominant narratives of transness.  My life could have been infinitely less painful if I had known from a younger age that I wasn’t horribly broken, that there was nothing wrong with me.  Now that I spend a lot of time working with teenagers and young adults, it’s important to me that I model that for them and create a space where they can be safe exploring their own identities.

-Justin

iamgrey:

jonathan-cunningham:

iamateenagefeminist:

1. Has this word been used against a specific group of people in the past or is it being used against a specific group of people in the present? 

• If no then you are allowed to use that word to describe yourself. 
• If yes then move onto question two

2. Are you a part of the group the word has been used against?

• If yes then you are allowed to use that word to describe yourself 
• If no then you are not allowed to use that word to describe yourself. 
• If “no, but!” move onto question three.

3. Are other people in the group the word has been used against telling you that you are not allowed to use that word?

• If yes you should probably check your privilege and not use that word to describe yourself. 

This is a pretty handy set of rules. I might try and make a flow chart with it later. 

That flow chart should be in every text book. EVERY TEXT BOOK.

(via fromsullenearth)

In regards to my sexuality (including gender identity because it affected how I viewed my sexuality and also most people include it anyway), these are the things I have known listed from the longest to the shortest (as in the first time this aspect of my sexuality occurred to me as “non-normative”):

1. I am kinky (age 13-14)
2. I am queer (age 14)
3. I am poly (age 14)
4. I am trans (age 16)

These are the things I am out about in order from most out to least out:

1. I am queer (out to almost everybody/on Facebook)
2. I am trans (out to friends/on Facebook)
3. I am poly (out to close friends only)
4. I am kinky (out to fewer close friends)

I feel like, in most of these discussions, the argument against the existence of vanilla privilege is that a kinky person is actually oppressed for other identities than the kinky identity. Based on not really knowing anything academically or sociologically other than my Own Personal Experience, I have found that I am the most likely to be treated the most weirdly for being into kink than any other thing I could be out about.

It is my experience that people I have come out to are more comfortable thinking about me having sex with someone of my same gender, what may or may not be in my pants, and me having (vanilla) sex with multiple people, than thinking about me possibly being tied up or something.

I am normally oblivious to socialization, as far as I can tell, but I feel like one thing I picked up on very young and very quickly is to not tell people I’m kinky.

Justin is way more out about being kinky than I am, so perhaps he can add some useful anecdotes to this.

-Ryan

fromsullenearth:

I have the opportunity to guest lecture in the Introduction to Sociology course at my college during their segment on gender.  I’ve got a pretty good idea of how I’d like to structure the class, but I’m also definitely open to some input.  So followers and random other tumblrers, what do you think is the one thing everyone should know about gender?

I’ve got a workshop that I’d like to lead at an upcoming conference on sexuality and gender, and I could use a little help.  Basically, the workshop will be a caucus for people who are trans and gender variant or gender non-conforming (and possibly also queer).  The examples I give in the description are butch trans lesbians and effeminate gay trans men, although those are certainly not the only possible identities that the workshop is aimed at. 

The idea for this came to me after attending a conference last fall that was specifically focused on trans identities, and being incredibly frustrated with their programming.  There were closed caucuses for genderqueer, transmasculine*, and femme people but nothing for transfeminine* people.  There was certainly nothing I, a femmy gay trans guy, felt comfortable attending, despite the fact that I’m sure the organizers thought they had made totally inclusive choices.

So I wanted to make a discussion group for the people who were most specifically excluded from the identity group discussions at that conference.  Something for trans women who aren’t femme, and for trans men who aren’t “transmasculine.”  If anyone’s interested, I can show you the actual description I have worked up. 

This is where you come in, random people of Tumblr.  I’ve got the workshop proposal all written up, I know exactly what I want it to be and how I want it to be structured, but I have absolutely no idea what to call it.  So I thought I’d open it up to you,is there a better way to say “gender variant and/or queer trans person caucus” (there really has to be)?

What should I call it?

*I absolutely hate these terms.  The idea that trans women are inherently feminine and belong on some sort of spectrum that includes effeminate cis men, or that trans men are inherently masculine and fall on a spectrum that includes butch cis women, is gender essentialist bullshit.  Being a man and being masculine are not the same thing, nor are womanhood and femininity the same thing. 

-Justin/fromsullenearth

iragray:

Trigger warning for discussions of sexism, transmisogyny, rape, and abuse.

I just wanted to remind you, because almost every trans man I interact with is incredibly sexist. I recognize that whether or not we (sometimes we, since I’m non-binary) gain access to male privilege can be complicated what with sometimes being perceived as women and all. I recognize that some of us internalize the messages sent to men and some of us don’t. Lastly, I recognize that some of us don’t want or need to medically transition. 

I want to be clear that these things don’t mean we can reclaim terms used against cis and/or trans women. These things don’t mean we deserve access to women’s spaces. When it comes to reproductive needs, things get a little more blurry. In the blur of these lines, however, trans women are most certainly left out. Let’s work to change that. In a support group, exclusively for women, however, we are not welcome and rightfully so for every space outside of women’s spaces is a man’s space. We have plenty of room whereas women are forced to find and create safe spaces. We hardly allow them room to breathe elsewhere.

Being trans does not mean we are incapable of being abusive. Being trans does not mean we know what it is like to exist in a male supremacist society as a woman. Some of us do; some of us don’t. My point is that it’s not inherent. When in relationships with women, it is on us too to make sure consent is present at all times. We too are capable of rape. 

Trans men, we do not understand the experiences of trans women or of folks who also are gendered male at birth. Acting as though we do is taking part in transmisogyny and, therefore, also taking part in sexism. We don’t experience the same struggles as trans* folks who are gendered male at birth, and when we list off the plethora of trans women’s names during Trans* Day of Remembrance, let us take notice the monumental difference between how much space their struggles take on that list in comparison to ours for theirs is far greater. 

Let us remember to move back and allow women to communicate their ideas for they are encouraged by us and by male supremacy to not do so. Let us remember that when taking part in trans* advocacy to include and encourage the inclusion the trans* folks who are gendered male at birth always. Let us not take part in urinary segregation nor in segregation of coercively given genders for these constructs limit the liberation of all people, not just trans* folks.

This could go on forever, but lastly, and potentially most importantly, let us recognize that we can always grow as allies to women and to CGMAB, non-binary, trans* folks. Let us recognize that we do not deserve cookies for not being rapists, for otherwise practicing good consent, for recognizing the existence of sexism and/or transmisogyny, or for not reclaiming words used against women (or for writing posts such as these). Remember to call out other men when you have the chance. Remember that it is not your place to dictate what is or is not sexist. Recognize your privilege and keep it in check.

(via transfeminism)